I remember the first time I learned about grief. It was in a high school Introduction to Psychology class and the focus was on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s work on death and dying. Her book, “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss” was mandatory reading. Much later, I was introduced to another book on grief by David Kessler, who added a sixth stage in his book “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”.
Since everyone is probably going through tough and challenging times, I believe that revisiting these stages can help make sense out of current losses facing many people.
Stage 1 – Denial
When we go through any type of loss, be it a divorce, loss of a job, or death of a loved one, the first reaction may be one of disbelief or non-reality. It may be common to think that this isn’t happening to me and with this kind of thinking we protect ourselves emotionally and psychologically.
Stage 2 – Anger
Once we realize that our loss is real and are no longer in denial, we may become emotionally upset and angry. While loss is a bitter pill to swallow, we react out of a perception that this is the way it’s going to be and something or someone dear to us has been taken away.
Stage 3 – Bargaining
Anger can only last so long until we are emotionally spent by it. Anger tends to consume a lot of valuable energy, so we move towards making bargains with ourselves or with a higher power. By now, we’ve had time to think things through and are willing to compromise.
Stage 4 – Depression
For some, depressive feelings will come early; for others they will evolve once it’s understood that bargaining won’t bring back what has been lost. Depression may also come about due to the negative energy surrounding denial, anger and bargaining.
Stage 5 – Acceptance
People will experience acceptance in different ways and varying times. Some will accept things as they are early on and others will not accept the new reality until they’ve exhausted these options. Acceptance means that the situation is real and learning to live with it or through it is a must.
Stage 6 – Meaning
This stage may be particularly challenging for people to experience. What meaning can come from tragedy or loss? What good can come out of the current situation? Can loss encourage people to reach out to each other and deepen their relationships? Can it re-awaken their spirituality?
Final Thoughts on Managing Grief
These are challenging times for some people and devastating for others. Either way, people will go through certain stages of grief, not necessarily in this order, and perhaps some will be skipped. It’s comforting to know that it’s normal to experience grief and loss in these ways and that most people will come to accept life and find a deeper meaning in the end.