A Personal Story
My mother, Mary Collins, was a nursing assistant in the same facility for 30 years and retired at the age of 80. Lots of people weren’t sure if she was an employee or a resident. Her care was second to no one I have ever met in my almost 30 year career in senior care. She not only worked in that facility – she died in it, surrounded by family, friends and employees who worked with her for decades. The whole “circle of life” concept is a real thing in my mother’s life and death.
After she retired, she had quite a life. Casino trips weekly – ok, sometimes twice a week. Dining out and shopping often. She went to 10 Rod Stewart concerts, and during one in Pittsburgh, PA., we actually got her onstage with Rod and he sang “Have I told You Lately That I Love You”. No big thing, right? It was earth shattering to my sisters, friends and me. After she developed some type of dementia, we’re assuming vascular dementia for a number of reasons, but regardless, she broke up with Rod and fell in love with Andrea Bocelli. Well, what is a good son to do? I took her to as many Bocelli concerts as I could before her health and mind deteriorated. No regrets here.
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Fast Forward
Mom is now almost 92, living in the memory care unit with dementia, frequent UTIs, and other complications. We visit her frequently, sometimes daily. Our dog, Buddy, sits on her lap and provides great comfort. One Sunday morning she has a severe stroke that leaves her unresponsive for nine days. She has already been on hospice, but now I know the end is not far away. We all spend the next 9 days with her. We laugh, pray, stroke her hair, hold her hand, and we tell her it’s ok to go. She dies in peace surrounded by people who love her.
Start Talking Before It’s Too Late
Most people will only be on hospice for a week or two at the most. This is heartbreaking because hospice can improve quality of life while the individual is still alive. Hospice can also manage symptoms like pain and prolong life. I would give anything for one day with my mother. Talking with families is difficult. Writing this article is hard for me. But, we have to.
Starting the Conversation
Talking to families about hospice takes some planning, although there will be times when you will have to wing it. Turn your cell phone and television off. Find a quiet and private place. Sit down with family members and gain their eye contact. Your eyes will tell them a lot without opening your mouth. Lean into them.
Choose your words wisely. “I’d like to spend some time with you all to talk about your loved one’s health condition. Their condition is changing and probably declining. Going back and forth to the hospital is difficult for everyone and we’re not sure if repeating this is the best way to continue”.
Always get them to express their feelings and thoughts about the current situation. How do they feel about your loved one’s current state? “Would you like to hear about additional services and care that can bring comfort and symptom management for your loved one?”
Stress that no one is giving up. That’s not what this is about. The goal is comfort, pain-free as possible, and living with quality while it’s possible. And then… stop talking and listen to the family’s response. If there is nothing but silence, let there be silence. Give them time to process what you are saying.
Be positive and offer encouragement. No one needs a depressive hospice messenger. “Your loved one will receive many additional services that can improve how they feel and function”.
Be empathetic with the family. “I know this is a lot for you to handle at once, so please take your time. I’ll be happy to step out and give you all the space and time you need to sort this out”. Offer reassurance. Since a cure is not realistic, the next best thing is comfort. No one wants to die in pain.
Thanks for reading this article based on my personal experience with my mother’s death. I still celebrate her life every day by looking into the morning sky and thanking her for what she instilled in me.
Please visit https://collinslearning.com for more education about death, dying, and hospice for you and your staff. The more you know, the better. And remember, you will not get a second chance at someone’s death. Get it right the first time.